Who You'll Meet In Law Scool

I'm working on a treatise of sorts for my best friend who starts law school in a few weeks. It's entited: "Holy Shit, is this my life? The Majesty and Misery of a Legal Education." I thought yall might enjoy this section:

A. Meeting Your Law School Classmates

Okay, so for whatever reason, law school attracts doucherockets. Lots of them. I am not saying you will not find good people in law school, I am just saying they are the exception, not the rule. Here is an overview of the various types of people you’re bound to come across in law school.

THE GUNNER: This person cannot shut up. Ever. He can’t shut up in the law library, at social events but most importantly, he is utterly unable to shut the fuck up in class. His favorite topics include personal jurisdiction, res ipsa loquitor, replevin, mens rea and perpetutity – really just any concept he learns in a first year law class that he thinks makes him sound like the fucking legal genius he told himself he would be when he would cry himself to sleep after getting the shit beat of him in high school. Unfortunately, the BAR fitness board frowns on beating the shit out of classmates so you’ll have to leave this dude alone

THE MORON GUNNER: Holy God, this is the worst type of combination. This person raises their hand constantly, just like the traditional gunner, except instead of making the class shit themselves by using Latin terms no one knows, this person asks about things like the “Mike Tyson loophole to assault liability”(true story-this happened. I told her she was an moron and was assured that she could be no such thing as she had earned her undergrad degree in “SOCIOLOGY” – I had a field day with that). This person will leave you wishing for the principal in Billy Madison to appear and utter that timeless phrase: “At no point during your rambling, incoherent [question] did you ever come close to forming anything that might be considered a rational thought. Everyone in the room is no dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul”

THE SILENT CURVE RAPIST: This kid sits in the back and rarely speaks, whether in class or at social events. You think he might be a serial killer in his spare time but you’re not sure. You let that pass because you figure he’s not an academic threat and you have better things to worry about. Then you find out this kid dominated every exam and will be splitting his 1L summer at 2 biglaw firms ranked among Vault’s Top 20 firms. Serial Killers start looking super hot.

THE WHORE: There’s one in every class. There were two in mine, actually. At any rate, this chick is typically mildly attractive but her parents didn’t hug her enough or some shit because she can’t keep her legs closed. She will do shit like bang dudes in the LAW SCHOOL bathroom after a LAW SCHOOL date auction (true fucking story). She will walk around offering BJs at law school events. You are frightened of the prospect of her working at the same firm as you because you don’t want to share toilet seats. Don’t worry, these girls typically fall very low in their class or are bleeding hearts who want to work for “human rights" or some equally ridiculous bullshit.

THE BLEEDING HEARTS WHO ASPIRE TO BE PUBLIC DEFENDERS: Yes they exist. People go to law school to be public defenders. And they will just be itching to tell you about how much good they are doing for humanity and how they can’t believe you’re going into biglaw and how that’s tantamount to raping the planet. The best policy with these people is just to punch them in the face. That’s what I do.